Since the day I have been diagnosed with cancer, my feelings of isolation at home have been deepening. My husband seems to be busy in different things and tries to avoid being with me unlike earlier when we would sit together for hours. When my son came over to dinner I felt invisible, untouchable, and insignificant. They are all trying to skirt the topic of my having cancer, and I can't say I blame them. None of them wants to accompany me for the radiation treatment. What is it that is taking them away from me? Why are they ignoring me?
- On e-mail
Dear
I am sorry to hear about you being diagnosed with cancer. I hope that it has been diagnosed on time for you to be treated and then recover. Your being treated like an outcaste has nothing to do with their feelings for you. I think they are unable to come to terms with this reality and do not seem to have developed ways to cope with the situation.
The issue: You have been diagnosed with cancer and the family's attitude and interaction with you has changed since then. You feel it is one of neglect and isolation. This is the time you need them so much and yet they are not there for you. It is indeed a traumatic situation for you.
The resolution: Recognise that not only are you affected by the dreaded disease, but the entire family is affected.
Most people are at loss in terms of what to do and how to relate to it. Since it is so very painful to all of them, they are avoiding being with you, talking to you or even accompanying you for the treatment.
They are frightened out of their wits, it seems. It is a case of denying and distorting the truth in the hope that it will go away. A highly irrational form of thinking and behaving, but the illness is also one that causes fear and anxiety. Hence, this unusual and unsupportive reaction.
I suggest that you ask your doctor to call in the family and explain to them (in a non-alarming way) the disease, its course, ramifications etc. He can teach them how to manage the situation and can put them in touch with support groups of families who are stricken similarly. In other words, they can also be trained to develop the skills needed for handling the situation and managing the emotions better.
This is the best way to go about handling a very trying situation in which all of you find yourself. Avoid blaming yourself altogether. Help them to accept you as you are.
Seek professional help and also get your family to join a support group. This is important for all of you. Take care.
Dr Vasantha R Patri, Chairperson, Indian Institute of Counselling, ND, has been on the faculty of Psychology, LSR College for 30 years. She has studied and trained in the US and she carries out psychological counselling.
Write to: feedback@nflash.com or call Dr Patri at 23382652.
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